Seriously...

Does a blue moon hangover ALWAYS feel like there's an elephant orgy going on inside your skull???

at&t Lorena Bobbitt’d me!

I had to come to some hard realizations about my life over the weekend. They say the first step in dealing with a problem is admitting it…so here goes…Hi, I’m Jason, and I’m a technoholic.

Yeah, I know…my cell phone is pretty much ALWAYS with me. I like to text, oh god do I like to text. I’m not opposed to talking on the phone, I have no aversion to communication involving actually vocalizations. But sometimes, it’s just so much easier, quicker, more convenient, and in a lot of ways, less intrusive to send a text message.

So on the way down to Milford (little mud hole of a town I grew up in for the most part), I got about 15 miles west of Beaver and lost ALL cell phone coverage. Zip, zilch, nada, NOTHING! My first though, my phone was broke or just needed to be turned off and back on again. 37 times I tried this. 37 times, it failed.

I can’t be stuck in Milford without any avenue of communication to the outside world. So, I call up at&t’s customer service. Nice people, but pretty much worthless. The problem, well, when at&t took over Cingular not so long ago, they didn’t keep up Cingular’s partner contracts, and so the partner towers I had used every other single time I’d been in Milford, no longer picked up my signal and plugged me in to my LIFE, my life you hear me???

Good thing the relatives next door had wireless internet access…at least I could e-mail and bitch about my situation, right? Because carrying around my laptop is really comparable to carrying my itty-bitty-tiny cell phone, isn’t it? Yeah, I thought so too.

Now there, that wasn’t so hard, now was it? Do you think they have a 12-step program for my technology, staying ‘plugged in’ addiction? All I can think of in response to that is an old Barbara Mandrell song, “(If Loving You is Wrong) I Don’t Want to Be Right”. I like always having my phone with me. I like being able to talk/text anytime, anywhere (except in the movie theater…turn the phone off dammit!). So I guess I’ll live with my addiction, live with it one day at a time (except when I go to Milford apparently)

It's offical....

(http://www.mediafever.co.uk/site_photos/cuba_bike_rain.jpg)

Yup, it's official...god and the weather "persons" association of the world hate me. I rode my bike to work, I even told Hunter, "I laugh in the face of the weatherman. I am probably tempting fate here. . .but it's the bike today dammit, the bike I say!" And now, guess what...it's RAINING!!!

I'm pretty much expecting a lightning strike on my way home from work now...

And to top it off...I never look that good staring at my bike, shirtless in the rain (so no, it's not me)

Saving the environment? Maybe... Saving money? Probably... Get myself maimed or killed? Most likely...

So, here's the deal...a few weeks ago, after spending $50 to fill up my Toyota Corolla with gas (and that's one that get's decent milage!), I decided to pull my bike out of storage and start riding it to work. Now, I live roughly on 2500 East and 2800 South and work on 500 West and 9000 South (See map). So for those of you not familiar with Salt Lake, a mile is roughly seven city blocks, so yeah, that's a long-ass ride. Especially when you haven't regularly ridden a bike since your mission, some 10-odd years ago.

So, my game plan was to ride from my house, down 3300 south to the TRAX station. Take TRAX from 3300 south to 9000 south, and then ride the rest of the way to work. I figured that would be a good start, and that I could build on that and ride farther to catch other TRAX stations as I work up to it....

So..there's the idea, there's the plan...pretty good, huh? I thought so too...until I woke up last Monday (7-14) to try it. That ride was pretty uneventful. Other than my ass being sore, my legs wanting to fall off, and only having to walk my bike the last 1/2 mile of the way home (my home route is significantly different to adjust for the fact that I live at the top of the hill and work at the bottom).

So, now it's Tuesday, a week later, and I decided to try it again. First off, 3300 south has no bike lanes, none, nothing! And the lane goes right up to the sidewalk, so there's no room for error here...and they want me to ride with traffic...I think not!

But as I was riding to work today...sigh...it wasn't the picturesque ride of last week. No, today was different. First, as I was riding down the street, my lunch box shot off the back of my bike. So much for the bungee cord and bike rack thingy, that worked real well. So, after retrieving the fallen lunch box, I tied it down good and tight. Good idea, right? No, bad idea...about 4 blocks later, as I went off the curb, the bungee broke and I swear to god it was trying to kill me. Slapped me in the back of the head. Helmets aren't just for accidents anymore, I'm seriously considering wearing it 24/7, like one of Jerry's kids. As much as I hit my head or other things hit my head, it might be a wise choice.

So, I'm now a block away from the TRAX station, and what do I behold with mine little eyes? Nothing less than my train pulling out of the station. #$&@$&*@#! Yeah, exactly! I could hear the bungee cord laughing from where I'd tied it in knots around my lunch box. And you know that evil inanimate objects ALWAYS laugh with an absurd french accent, ALWAYS!


So, I wait the next 15 minutes for the next train. Here it comes, I can see it pulling into the station. I jump up off the bench to grab my bike. It was a pretty short jump. More of a stumble really. I had slipped my arm into the strap of my backpack as I started to get up, and was promptly slammed back down into the bench. One of the buckles from my bag had worked it's way into the itty-bitty-tiny slot in the bench seat. I don't think I could have gotten the buckle in there if I had been trying. So, as I'm frantically trying to free my bag from the bench, I watch the train pull away. There had to have been 10 frenchmen with their faces pressed up against the window of the train, all pointing and laughing while stroking their creepy little mustaches, there were, really, okay, maybe not...but still...

In the end, I did make it to work. A lot later than I had intended, but still made it...and if you can just imagine how excited I am about the ride home tonight...what awaits me on the streets and trains of Salt Lake City...

Ode to the Kiss

kiss \ˈkis\ :verb. Etymology: Middle English, from Old English cyssan; akin to Old High German kussen to kiss. Date: before 12th century. transitive verb 1: to touch with the lips especially as a mark of affection or greeting 2: to touch gently or lightly intransitive verb 1: to salute or caress one another with the lips 2: to come in gentle contact.

Kisses, Besos, Baiser, Kuss, Bacio. No matter what you call it, no matter how you do it, there is something about a kiss that resonates a deep and primordial cord inside your soul. Does it call to you? Does it inspire you? Does it drive you to seek it?

Is it a chaste and reserved peck on the cheek? Is it wet and sloppy like a St. Bernard? Or is it a full body, toe-curling, leg-lifting whopper of a kiss? Now for me, all of those, and many, many more types of kisses all have their place. But my far-and-away and forever favorite will be the kiss that you feel from your lips down to the tips of your toes and back up again, the kiss that leaves you breathless and wanting more. I want that iconic, captured on film moment of a kiss. I want the kiss that you put everything into expecting nothing in return, but then get it all back ten-fold. God…I just love a good kiss!!!

Do dogs ever go hoarse???

Good hell!!! Why is it that the neighbor's dog won't shut the hell up...EVER??? I like to think working in the flower beds or my garden around the house is a very nice and relaxing venture...But, when two of the neighbor's three dogs (collies I think) will not for even the love of pirate-ninja jesus stop barking...what's a man to do?

Now just stop right there...no matter how obnoxious they get, no matter how frayed my nerves are...I don't do anything that may have just popped into your frakin' head! Now just sit your ass back and I'll tell you exactly what I do...absolutely nothing!!! I just go about my weeding or mowing or whatnot and try to ignore the incesent barking. I resist all temptation to yell obscenities, throw objects or just anything in general that may further encourage these hell hounds to bay. Thank god for an iPod.

Now, to be completely honest, of the three dogs, there is one that I do on occasion engage. She (I think it's a she...I've never really checked though) is the mellow, non-barker of the pack. She is sweet and seems to want nothing more than a nice pat on the head. The extent of my interaction with her is the occasion scratching under the chin when she jams her face through the fence. It's one of those fences that has the bigger wire squares...seems to work great for the neighbors grape vines that are now covering the back third of the fence, so, she gets a good deal of her muzzle through the fence. Whereas the ring-leader does nothing but bark, and the follower joins in, the third dog, she just whimpers for attention. So her, her I like. The other two...well, I'd just rather they didn't sit there and bark while I'm in my own back yard, just trying to relax in my garden.

And now all of this, all of this brings me back to my topic, why can't a dog go hoarse dammit, why???

Miss Venezuela crowned Miss Universe; Miss USA trips -- again!

Thank you CNN for brightening my day with stories of poor unfortunate and sometimes tragic beauty queens! I really don't think there is much I can add to this, but I'll pick myself up off the floor and give it a go...

When I read about poor Miss USA, all I could think of was Sandra Bulloch a.k.a. Gracie Lou Freebush during the interview portion of the pageant..."I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face--
Wait a minute! I've already done that!"

And now compare that with a quote from the CNN article "Tension got under the skin of Crystle Stewart of Texas, the second Miss USA in a row to fall down during the Miss Universe pageant."

The SECOND Miss USA to fall down during the Miss Universe pageant. Not the first, but the SECOND!!!

"During the 2007 Miss Universe contest in Mexico City, Miss USA Rachel Smith also tumbled during the evening gown competition and became an unintended star on You Tube, where the video was shown over and over again.

You just can't make this shit up....lol!

Again, thank you CNN and more importantly, thank YOU Crystle Stewart and Rachel Smith for bringing just a little more joy and laughter into this world!

(http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/07/14/miss.universe.ap/index.html)